Please excuse any typos, and if it reads a bit long. I’m typing this as Lie in bed flat on my back with a sprained back!

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Introduction:

I’m writing this introduction as an update to my original post, Today is a beautiful perfect Saturday morning here in Massachusetts. I have just finished reading Joe’s Manuscript of his book about 9/11, and last night (on Joe’s birthday) I got the honor to attend a cello recital by Nicolas Olarte-Hayes in memory of his mom, my sister Mercedes.

This morning as I meditated at my weekly Sangha (Buddhist Community) meeting,  I realized just how much all of us,  you me, and others around the world  are truly all  so inter-related.

As I write this update and reflect on this, adding pictures of my childhood and of my sister Mercedes I can’t help but think that life is truly beautiful if we all just let it be and are awake enough to realize it. All we need to do is to practice what we preach.

This is the best example I can share with you. I watched the towers of 9/11 come down on a big movie screen while at work 250 miles away. I had grown up in NYC and so even then I thought I could have been there, it could have been me.  Now many years later, I thought I had survived being touched personally  not knowing anyone that had been there. The closest I came to being involved directly was through my sister Nashta who told me how she had to walk home that day all in a daze across Manhattan as hell came up to earth. As it turns out  Joe, who you will learn about in my story, had been  a New York City Fireman for 9 years only 5 blocks way.  Luckily he did not die that day, as he was working serving his country honorably in yet another role. He was on his active duty in the Coast Guard reserves that day. However from 9/11 on, Joe Spent the next 8 months living the horror of the aftermath as he volunteered for the awful duty of identifying the remains of those innocent people that were lost that day.

Now, 21 years later,  I reunited with my brother Joe, and I practice my new found Buddhist faith. Just last night I saw my sister’s image on Nico’s face as he played such beautiful music for us all on the day that happened to be  Joe’s birthday as well. I have just finished reading Joe’s manuscript on this beautiful Saturday morning, and cannot help but be moved and touched by the human condition and how despite the horrors and the suffering that we experience, in the end we are all inter-related across the boundaries of Race, Religion, Generations and Cultures.

As you read this story you will question (much like I did) why it took so long for it to turn out the way it has, why now, why 21 years later?  I always was a “hard sell” a “tough customer” and I think you will see why. So until very recently I resisted the concept of religion,  and giving up control to anyone or to the teachings of any being.

If you are like I was you may stop reading when you stumble on that dreaded\loaded word “Religion” but Please humor me as you might be surprised by what I have to share with you today. For you see I finally understand that Religion is a concept made by man, to express the ideas that are inside. I now realize that we all need a faith, something to believe so we can act. That is unless you use that very faith to hide behind it to wage WAR, to destroy the life of other beings or even the planet our dearest mother Earth!

Call it God, Fate, Destiny or Karma, call it what you want.  But this story could not unfold until I was already on my path. This story is about me and my “Brother” Joe. But it could very well be about you, or about someone else that you or I may or may not know. To me it feels like Joe and I went to hell and back. But luckily for both of us we survived. In the end, it made us stronger as we finally found our way in this journey we call life.

One of the most interesting aspects for me is that although 21 years apart, Joe and I found our respective faiths in parallel, through the teachings of his God and Christ, and my following of two men (2500 years apart) Shakyamuni Buddha and the Venerable Thich Nhat Hanh.  I no longer need to question if there is a God or not, The Buddha taught me that it’s not important to question that, but to simply put into practice what we know in our hearts to be right.

Me and Joe have had countless conversations since we reunited, and what I find most interesting and useful of all,  is that once we remove the man-made concepts and labels of our respective faiths our ideas and direction merge as one. We both talk about suffering, impermanence, peace, selflessness etc. and how we need to conquer our egos and simply be who we know we are. We talk about living in the present and practice what  we know is right in every moment that we can. Instead of getting bogged down in the semantics of life, your God, my God, or No God I finally see this as just a  concept which for me it’s simply inside my heart and mind. After all I want is simply work at being a GoOD man, and in that very word and act lies my God.

Because Joe and I realize that it’s all really the same, there are no obstacles in our way. We both survived the trauma of our lives and now our goal is simply to do the best we can. We can do this by being men of action even through the smallest task at hand.

Joe has written a very touching and personal book about his experiences of 9/11.  While I could never compare my humble writing to the horrors he experienced I feel that by working together, and sharing our stories  however big or small they are, if we help one, or a thousand souls out there in any way that we can we will be doing our best to make this a better world.

So here is the original story as I first wrote it. I hope it brings you a bit of comfort as you realize that your problems and your suffering may as well be my very own because in the end you too are a sister or brother of mine.

Massachusetts, 5/15/2010

When I setup this blog I debated on two things, to use my real name (due to the paranoia that the Internet can create) and to share what I could to help others like me in the quest to better themselves through the arts, healthy living etc. but planned not to write anything too personal or “spiritual”. Well I’m now glad that I did use my real name (as you will see below) and have now chosen to share a very personal story with you.

At first it will appear to be a story of loss and of grief, but as you read on, you will see that it’s a story of love, and of finding a lost brother as we stumble through this thing we call life!

Homage to my ancestors:

As I get older soon turning 49, and reflect on my past I cannot help but be amazed about how life works, and how destiny takes very sharp turns when we least expect it.

By now I have stumbled through life, tackled the issues of being a first generation immigrant, have lost both my parents and other loved ones and many other hardships.

To begin with I was born in Bogota, Colombia on October 1961, and was the “baby” of the family. I was told that I was born at home on a kitchen table (same as my father in law!) at 10:30am with only a mid-wife in attendance as my dad was performing around the country with a folk music group he had created with his children, not unlike the famous Von Trapps.  By the time I was 4 my siblings started immigrating to the US .  Me being the last one to leave Colombia, saw them disappear one by one as I began to grow up. I lost my mother at the tender age of 10 in a sense, and physically in 1977 at the age of 16 (you’ll see what I mean below), I lost my dad later on in 1997 to cancer, then my sister Mercedes (closest to me in age) to suicide in 2007. And very recently my dear mother in law Jeannie passed away, last September 2009 (even this year has the dreaded number 7 if you subtract the 2 from the 9!). She was a wonderful woman and became my mother for the last 21 years.

I sometimes wonder why such horrible things happen to me in those years ending in 7! Isn’t that supposed to be a lucky number? well maybe it is the way my story turns around as you’ll see why. After all, I was lucky enough to realize that we must learn from the hardships we encounter throughout our lives which is from an early lesson that my dad from early on to late in life.

It was my dear mother in law’s sudden death who sparked a new zest for life in me as I realized that we can all die at any moment and that there is no use in wasting time in what little and precious time we have here on earth. Most of us walk around either in a daze letting time pass us by, waiting for a retirement a goal, a “pie in the sky” that may never materialize. Or we walk around like the rabbit in “Alice in Wonderland” always in a rush, going from place to place, yet from nowhere to nowhere never noticing nature, or even the very air that we breath, and letting life pass us right by. Then as we die we become afraid, full of regrets and realize that we wasted our life away waiting for the goals that we did not get a chance to reach and regretting all the actions that we did not take!

Well, I have determined that events like the loss of one’s loved ones be it due to natural causes, or horrible events like suicide are a real tragedy unless we can learn from these experiences and somehow act so that something positive comes out of such a loss. For me these lessons and actions have become the best way I know that I can pay my respects, honor their memory and keep them alive through my thoughts, intentions and actions.

And so, since September 18th 2009, I began to set the wheels in motion to be the best person that I can and to become a man of action instead of only ideas. Since then, I have conquered and eliminated type 2 diabetes, have lost 60+ pounds, setup this website to document my journey, and have begun to study and pursue the teachings of The Buddha which is something I always knew I wanted to pursue.

I have 4 pictures up on a wall near the doorway in my bedroom of the 4 loved ones that I have lost to date. I cannot help but think of the movie Mulan, and the concept of honoring and respecting our ancestors and those who have passed on. So when I look up, especially as I leave the safe haven of my bedroom I cannot help but to reflect on them, to vow to live a good and productive life in their honor and to do this best by living in the moment and being mindful of every thought and action that I take.

Here is one of those 4 pictures, it’s the one that hurts the most. It’s of my sister in 2006, our last Christmas together.  It took me a few years to stop being angry and forgiver her. Thanks to the teachings of  Shakyamuni Buddha I finally understood the suffering that she must have felt. Despite her pain however she always had a bright and beautiful smile, and always made you feel quite at home.

Setting the stage:

Well at the present time, I’m at a crossroad of sorts, as I’m patiently waiting for the guillotine of what will most likely be the end of my 20+ year job due to the decisions of the powers that be to “re-organize”, “transition” and most likely outsource good honest hard working people like me and many of my close friends and colleagues.

Despite what most would consider to be such a very “major” and troublesome event as the likely loss of a job, I’m constantly being rewarded for a life dedicated to learning and to being the best person I can be, thanks to the teachings and the strong foundation that my late father gave me as a child.

This a story about me and my “brother”, and one of the greatest events in my life! It’s a story that I simply had to write and to share with you. It’s a story that puts many things in perspective for me as I try to follow my path.

My story:

As a first generation immigrant to this country from Bogota Colombia and the youngest of 9, I had a pretty tough time growing in Queens NY.  As mentioned earlier in my story I was the youngest of nine. I was the baby of the family and as a child I thought the world was mine, for I was the center of the household and I felt safe and loved by everyone.

Within months of y arriving to NYC in 1970, I was sent to live with my sister in Philadelphia and shortly after that my mother had the first of a series of brain strokes when I was bout 10. In 1973 I returned to Colombia for 2 years and eventually came back to the US in 1975. By the time I had returned to the states in the mid 70’s I was like a lost puppy with almost no supervision and trying to figure out where I belonged. By then I was 15, had just lost my mother for all practical purposes as she no longer recognized me or anyone else, and lived in an institution unable to help herself or anyone else. She died two years later in 1977. When I returned I had expected to resume my seat as the youngest child of my family but by then my siblings had scattered far and wide here in the States as they too struggled to find their way in life. By then my dad was struggling himself coping with the “loss” of his wife, visiting her daily even though she had no idea who he was (or worse could not communicate with him even if she did know inside), dealing with the issues of coming to a new country at his age, having a language barrier, making a living and many other hardships.

Well, in 1976 during my first year in high school, I met an Irish family. There were 3 kids about my own age. Sadly they had too had lost their mother as very young children and their dad also had a very hard time dealing with three young children as a single parent and coping with being a widow. They too had no supervision and were also lost at sea like I was.

Hard knocks and tumbling through:

The four of us were all kindred spirits lost in the same river of despair. We gravitated towards each other and held on for dear life. We became the best of friends and we basically grew up together on the streets of New York. Being unsupervised, we all struggled, took up negative habits like drinking, partying, cutting school etc. Their father thought I was a very bad influence but that did not keep us apart. It was a running joke that I would always get busted being at their house and sneak out the back countless times as their father came home unexpectedly. We all struggled together and I ended up going to college and completing my bachelor’s degree in psychology (their dad ended up being very proud of me after all). Joe became as close to me as a brother could ever be and he joined the Marine Core while I completed my studies at Queens College. Through all this I played the role of a slightly older brother, being a bit more cautious and keeping us safe as much as I could. I was able to talk our way out of bad situations and stupid decisions that we made from time to time.

We were a very close knit group and I became friends to all 3 in slightly different ways. But from the day I met Joe (in fact like a lost puppy, he showed up at my door at 9am on a Saturday morning, the day after his sister had brought him along to hang out with me) we became inseparable for the next 15 years or so.

Starsky & Hutch:

Joe and I became very close and we used to joke that we were like “Starsky & Hutch” which was the hit TV show at the time. I was dark and dark haired, Joe was Light and blond haired. And we became as close as twin brothers.

For a couple of personal reasons that need not be re-hashed here, by the time I met my wife at 28, Joe and I had drifted apart a bit. I was so desperately trying to find my own way out of despair and saw a chance to save myself through the love of my wife and her family. What I did not realize then was that Joe was drowning in his own suffering in the same way that I was. During a bad episode while camping he became very belligerent with my then to be wife, and I pushed him away from my life for good.

Well that was the end of that and he respected & loved me enough to honor that request and I never heard back from him again.

Positive Karma in action:

If you know me, you will know that I question everything, I’m a hard sell yet I’m always trying to learn and to be an active participant of life. I’m a survivor and so is Joe. I have been changing for the better recently. I have started to studying Buddhism intensively and have become devoted to following my own path, towards being a good person, a man of action and the pursuit of enlightenment through the teachings of the venerable Thich Nhat Hanh and of The Buddha.

Having found the Clear Heart Sangha (a local Buddhist community) I finally felt that I have indeed arrived home and am applying my every waking moment to being true to myself and to others and learning and applying what I learn as well as much and as consistently as I can.

Anyway, I had setup my website a few months back (using my real name as the address http://ivanolarte.com), as a project to document my pursuit of classical guitar, healthy eating etc. Well recently, during a casual conversation, Joe’s sister (and my old cohort) asked him if he had heard about me at all. That planted the seed in his mind again, and Joe did a quick search and found my site fairly easily.

I think it’s funny that we are so worried about the Internet that we often try to hide our identity. But my view is that if someone is out to get you, to find you for the wrong reasons they will find you no matter how much you try to hide. But if someone tries to find you for the right reasons they might never find you if you hide yourself from plain view.

Joe posted a comment on my blog which you can see here and asked me if I wanted to contact him. He now says that he would have not approached me if it were not for that site. The funny thing is that he had plenty of resources (as an ex US Marshal, with his wife working for a private investigations firm etc.) to find me during all these years but he respected me enough not to do that. However because I had setup the site under my name (Which I had initially been doubtful about) Joe felt that this time it was the right time to try to contact me.

To be completely honest I was a bit hesitant at first but then realized that it would be very hypocritical of me if I did not reach out to him and find out how he was doing etc. Well I responded to his comment, called him that very night and we ended up talking for about 4 hours on Friday night. By the time we were done, it was as if we had been apart for no more than a long weekend.

The Icing on the cake:

As it turns out Joe is on a very similar journey as my own. Not only did I find my lost “brother”, but he is now the best person that he ever was. So any of my initial concerns that I had about opening up this old wound and about him can be put to rest. We are very similar in personality and are both in the constant process of trying to be as good as we can, of striving to help others and the world in our small way if nothing else by simply doing the right thing.

During our absence from one another, Joe had recognized, accepted and worked on his own problems, and is now very happily married for 13 years to a wonderful and understanding woman and is the father of a beautiful 9 year old daughter and of a son who is in his 20s. Joe had a long road up to now, after our turbulent teen years, he served his country and humanity in many ways. To be frank now knowing all that he has been through and all that he has accomplished, I’m quite humbled by it all. Here I thought I was “all that” being an immigrant, loosing loved ones moving all over the place etc, but Joe is nothing short of a very strong man and a personal inspiration to me.

You see Joe has served his country and humanity in several capacities. During the 21 years that we were apart. He has been a US Marine, a US Marshal, served 18 years in the Coast Guard reserves, 20+ years as a Fireman and Fire Marshal in New York, and retired with the rank of Lieutenant. He actively worked during the recovery efforts at Ground Zero on 9/11 and worked for over 6 months in the New York City Morgue recovering and identifying remains of 9/11 victims.  He has even written a book about his experiences during 9/11 and I very much look forward to reading his manuscript.

Because of what he has seen during his various professional roles, because of his past history, because we are both survivors, and because it is our destiny, Joe has followed his own spiritual path as well and has become a very intelligent, gentle and eloquent person.

I’m so impressed by Joe and happy to see that we are on such parallel tracks that I’m simply filled with awe, joy and gratitude for the destiny that we share. Having played the part of a slightly “older brother” as we grew up, I now see that is my turn to learn from Joe as I continue to grow and become the best person that I can. Joe has gone to hell and back, and I have nothing but respect and admiration for him. I am very inspired by his story and even more importantly by the man that he is today! He is truly my hero, and I hope to learn a lot from him in the years to come. The best part for me personally is that nobody in this world, other than my dear wife, knows me or understands me as well as he does, and now Joe is finally back in my life.

Joe’s goal is to be the best parent and spouse that he can be, and to be a better person and make a difference towards a better world. How noble is that? Having now retired from the fire department after 20+ years, he is a stay at home dad, and dedicated to being the best person he can be through books, reflection, good practices like Yoga, Tai Chi, Religion and honest and ethical actions. As mentioned earlier he even wrote a book about his experiences during 9/11 and will be sending me the manuscript for me to read.

The return of a “brother”:

Joe will be coming up in June for a visit by himself at first so we can catch up on or own, then that will be followed by a meeting of our families. His wife is fully supportive of this and is very happy for the both of us. She was with him through the worst of times, and now is reaping the rewards of having stuck by him and recognizing what a very special person he is.

We are both looking forward to meeting face to face, and I will update this story with a current picture of us shortly after that. For now we are staying in touch by e-mail and get a chance to talk at length on a daily basis. As you can imagine we have a lot of catching up to do and a many stories to laugh about, now that the worst of  times are behind us.

By now I’m sure you will agree that Joe is closer to me than anyone I know other than my wonderful wife. And now he is be back in my life, so my heart can finally heal properly. Aside from Joe, I look forward to reuniting with the rest of his (my Irish) family (his sisters and his dad) as well.

Now isn’t this a great example of Good Positive Karma in Action? After all why did it take 21 years, why now? Is it because we are both ready? Is it Good Karma coming back to us because of our honest efforts to survive, to be good men, and because of our dedication to do the best that we can with our lives?

I honestly believe that if Joe had approached me earlier I would have not responded and this would have been the end of it. But now it was the right time as we were both ready to resume where we left off so long ago.

Since last Friday I have thought a lot about this great event. Initially I felt guilty that I had “abandoned” Joe when he needed me the most. But now I realize that this was the way it had to be. For you see, I think that we were both drowning in a river of despair, and so we both had to go our separate ways in order not to drag each other down and possibly drown. Luckily we both made it alive and well to the other side and now we can continue on our journey side by side the way it was meant to be.

And Life goes on:

So this is where my story ends, or rather where it begins anew. I had to share it with you with the hope that it might make you think and reflect about your own journey and your own past.

As for Joe, I truly Thank him with all my heart for reaching out to me at a very important crossroad in my life. We have a lot of plans and a lot to look forward in the years ahead. As I told my kids they now have a new uncle in their life. I have a lot to learn from Joe and am humbled by his experiences, his demeanor and the way he has survived and dedicated his life to helping others in need. I only hope to be able to make him as proud of me as I am of him, for I’m extremely proud to call him My Brother!

Even though we now live 200 miles apart I already feel closer to Joe than ever, I have also picked a spot on my bedroom wall to hang a picture of both of us from our early days and one from where we are today!

So watch out world…  the ol’  “Starsky & Hutch” are back!

If nothing else, please remember this. Life is so good if we just let it be and are awake enough to realize it.

Thank you for reading through our story and I hope that it brings you a small degree of comfort and hope to your own life and to your heart.

I wish you as much Comfort, Peace and Happiness in your life as I have found in mine.

Ivan Mauricio Olarte